When my hubby and I met, neither one of us had any intentions of getting into a relationship. We both had complicated situations going on and we both already had children. Fortunately for us, life had different plans for us and here we are 8 years later, married with not only the two children we brought into the relationship but two new little ones as well.

One of the things that has continued to be difficult for us both is step-parenting. Because just like with regular parenting, the kids change so much throughout the years and the way you parent them has to change a little bit as well. Being a step-parent has been one of the most challenging and most rewarding things that I have ever done. Especially as our relationship continues to grow.

B was turning four when we met. Maybe I’m a terrible person, but there wasn’t an instant love, like, bond when we met. What there was, was this inherent need to keep him at a distance. What if we broke up and I not only lost the man I was dating but also this new little person? How do I form a relationship with him without getting in the way of his relationship with his mom? So many “what-if’s” ran through my mind. It didn’t help that the relationship with his mom was bumpy, always making me worry that we wouldn’t get to see him or that she would just keep him from us (which never happened, it was just one of my worries).

But people expect you to love these little people instantly for some reason. “Love them like they’re your own,” they say. The love for my stepson was one that developed over time, just like with any stranger that comes into your life, not like that of a baby that you carry for 9 months. But honestly, for me, who struggled to feel that instant love with my own child, it was even a little harder than it probably is for other people. I treated him with love and cared for him and wanted nothing but the best for him, but the love didn’t come right away. Now though, I would not only llama mama anyone who ever hurts him but I love him exactly like I carried him for 9 months.

We’ve had our fair share of struggles over the years as well. From the “you’re not my mom” fight to flat out being a jerk because he can be. There was the lying stage and the stage where he always made D ask us for everything. It really has been hard in so many ways. The hardest part was when he wouldn’t listen to the things I said, because I’m not his mom. He would constantly push back against everything and I would be chastised for punishing him and feeling sad that we couldn’t form a better relationship. It was a hard time in my life with him.

I think one of the hardest things that’s affected our relationship though doesn’t have anything to do with him at all. There is this whole other relationship that comes with having a step-child and that is the relationship with the other parent.

I know that not all step-parents have this struggle but the other parent is one that affects lots of people. This person will always be their mother or father and while you aren’t trying to replace them, the child at some point and most likely the other parent, will think that you are. There really isn’t a way to convince them that you aren’t but don’t ever give up on loving them. There will be the constant power struggles over the rules that are set and allowed. At times you will butt heads on exactly how to have duel homes with duel rules. There will be battles of will throughout. Some times you will just not get along and not agree. At some point there could be a friendship. Even if it solely revolves around the child. But what will always be there is your desire for the kids to have the best and to be loved. Because of that desire you will continue to fight the fight for them.

I love B just as much as any of my other children. And even though I didn’t give birth to him, life gave him to me regardless and I couldn’t be any more proud to call him my son. There have been times that our relationship has struggled immensely – I won’t call out any behaviors specifically but will say that things weren’t always easy. But I have watched him grow and mature and continue to become an amazing, respectful, empathetic young man that everyone wants to be around.

I don’t know that I’ve got this whole step-parenting thing down. I struggle still knowing whether or not I’m overstepping in certain areas, whether or not he feels like he is the same as the other kids and just generally trying to make sure he knows that he is loved as much as the other kids. I struggle every day trying to make sure that he is happy and knowing that there isn’t a whole lot I can do from a distance. But I will never stop trying.

That is my biggest piece of advice I can give step-parents. Never give up. No matter how much the kids butt heads with you, no matter how shitty a relationship might be with the other parent, no matter how hard it gets – and it will – NEVER GIVE UP. Because these kids need you to love them and care for them and show them that they are worth the fight to you.

If you’re a step-parent, I’d love to know your struggles and triumphs or ask me questions about mine.

For the past two months I’ve been struggling with syncope, which is a sudden temporary loss of consciousness. The problem is, when I faint, I have full awareness of what is happening, yet I am unable to move, speak or open my eyes. These fainting spells leave me in complete awareness, lasting anywhere from 2-15 minutes before I am able to “wake up.” I spend days at a time feeling as though I have vertigo and then suddenly, one day, my vision closes in on me and I essentially faint. My eyes flicker as I try to open them, my eyes will roll and if they don’t my pupils are constricted. My right hand will twitch as well as the right side of my face. My body is completely tense. These spells typically happen while standing, although at my last hospital visit it happened in the upright sitting position.

I’ve had two hospital stays. They have me on a constant heart monitor which has presented nothing of significance during any of my spells. They’ve run an MRI, CT, ECHO, EEG and EKG. Still nothing of significance has presented itself. They are at a loss and so am I. This last visit they didn’t run a single new test, leaving me frustrated and at my wits end. All I want is some answers to this apparent medical mystery.

So I write this blog post. Hoping that someone out there has experienced this or is a member of the medical community who might have some insight. I have had to stop working and they now want me to completely stop driving as well. I bawled my eyes out to my last nurse because I am expected to carry on my life normally although I have four children at home and there are times that I am alone with them.

What do you do when the medical field has no answers for you?

I’ve decided that this year won’t be filled with broken resolutions but rather filled with starting a new goal each month that will hopefully become a habit. 2019 is going to be the beginning of the rest of my life. Where I make myself a better person, not make a resolution. I feel as though resolutions always end up as a broken promise and I am sick of breaking promises to myself. Working on being a better me is all encompassing and there are so many ways that I can do that without setting up one monster resolution that can end up feeling daunting. There is no failing in making yourself a better person.

My major goals for the year are –

• trying to make things better between D and myself
• trying to donate more of my time to amazing causes
• trying to find ways to take better care of my body, because I only get one and I need it to last – this includes exercising and eating right
• trying to fix my financial health
• trying to express myself more – hopefully through writing

My monthly mini goals are:

January – track spending
February – show my love to the hubby every day
March – read every day
April – Start gardening
May – Find something to donate each day and donate it all on the last day of the month
June – find something fun to do with the kids 2 days a week
July – train for a race and complete one by the end of the month
August – find somewhere new to explore each weekend
September – take a personal development course
October – discover new workout classes that I wouldn’t normally take
November – volunteer at a food shelf
December – adopt a family

Please note, all of these goals say “try” because that’s all I can do. Try. I have my mantras all written out and my affirmations hanging from my mirror. Every day I plan to write down 10 things that I am grateful for and have given myself grace knowing that it won’t likely happen everyday. I want to live a more positive life starting with being a more positive person.

Each month I will focus my energy toward my mini goal for that month, working towards completing that goal. For the items that are something that can be done every day, I hope that I form a habit of doing them and can continue with them well in to the future. All I want to do is be able to live a happier, more fulfilling life and I truly believe that begins by setting goals.

So no broken promises for me this year. This year I’m going to do things as they come to me and just work on being the best possible me that I can be. I hope that others will do the same.

I don’t recall how I behaved at the age of nine, but if I were any where near as bad as my nine year old, I would hope someone would’ve put me in my place. I swear that you’re only warned about the issues of the teenager years, when your child is working on figuring out who they’ll be, struggling through becoming an adult and developing so many parts of their personality at the same time. APPARENTLY THOUGH this is something that happens throughout a child’s entire life. Apparently, I haven’t read nearly enough parenting books.

I honestly can’t sit and think of how much I’m failing as a parent, struggling as an adult and overall just failing him. How can I feel so much pressure to do something perfectly when no one else in the world has ever done it? I see their smiling faces and perfect outfits and amazing lives blasted all over Instagram. They make their lives seem so beautifully in place and, well, my life…? My life is dirty floors, dishes overflowing in the sink, disheveled children in unmatched clothing and myself just getting off the hot mess express. So why in the world would I think that I’m going to be able to raise tiny humans into decent human beings?

D and I struggle constantly. I can’t speak for him, but it seems as though he feels unwanted since the births of the younger two. And he seems to struggle a lot with feelings of inadequacy when it comes to his heritage. All I want in life is for him to be happy and to feel loved and accepted, but for some reason he doesn’t seem to get those things from my household or myself, regardless of how hard I try. It’s been a difficult stage and even more difficult to find the time that he needs alone with me.

Apparently he is going through a stage and there are other parents that are struggling with some of the same things I am. We have two big issues. The first is his intense emotions: he feels like everyone hates him one minute – crying and vulnerable – and the next minute he will hate everything and everyone in return – sometimes screaming at the top of his lungs. The second is the constant power struggle – he wants to be the one making the rules and will do anything he can to play everyone to get his way.

I’ve decided that the best thing I can do is meet him in the middle.

I need to make time for him. Time spent with just the two of us. Even if it’s just a quick trip to the store since we have such a busy schedule.

Work on helping him understand the emotions he’s feeling so that he doesn’t hate me and so that I don’t end up like Britney Spears circa 2007.

So I as I continue to understand this developmental stage, likely finally getting a grasp on it just as he enters a new stage, I have to wonder. How many others are experiencing heart break during this age?

I knew that, inevitably, my children would stop believing in Santa Claus. It’s just part of growing up. I, for some reason, didn’t think it would happen in the same year for my older two, but it did. Luckily, I only had to deal with explaining to one of them the reason behind the “lie.” d is very literal and didn’t take kindly to being lied to for so many years, especially since every time he asked I found a way around telling him the truth.

I let him know that the reason I continued this tradition with him is because of the magic behind it all. That there is so much bad in this world that a little bit of good – even if it was a story – makes things a little brighter for kids. The tradition of Santa helps teach kids to believe in the mystery and awe of the world, which hopefully in turn helps them believe in themselves and the good that still exists. So, even though I may have continued the story of Santa, it was all for a positive reason.

He didn’t quite appreciate my reasoning and swears that he won’t tell his kids about Santa.

Which leads me to my younger two. The continuation of the tradition of Santa Claus. Because even though I teach my children the story of Jesus and stress how important it is to remember that Christmas isn’t about the gifts but about the meaning behind the holiday, I still love to surprise them with the gifts from Santa. It’s been a hard decision that I’ve wrestled with. But to me the idea of Santa Claus is so much more than a big man dressed in a red suit, delivering presents all over the world. I really do believe that having that little something magical to hold onto helps keep kids younger for longer. In a world that is full of such sadness and darkness, where kids are growing up so much quicker and for such different reasons than those in the past, why not do everything we can to help them stay young?

I know that there are plenty of parents out there that don’t tell their kids about Santa Claus, and that’s totally fine. Because parenting is about making choices that work best for you. But I’m going to continue to play the role of Santa for my children. I’m going to continue to bring that little bit of magic into their lives. You’ve only got so much time with them as little kids, why not make the most of it?

I’d love to hear your thoughts on the subject.

To my friends: 

I’m sorry for my absence. and I don’t just mean the last couple of months, which have been filled with moving, school starting, working more hours and having more appointments scheduled. When the world seems to be closing in on me, I have this tendency to withdraw into my shell. What a shitty thing to do. I become so preoccupied with my own whirlwind of life, I forget to reach out to those that are there for me through all of it. 

Please, don’t for a second, believe that I’m not thinking about you. I am. Daily, if not more. I get the thought into my head to call you or text you to check in… and then something spills, someone screams, the house falls into a sinkhole. OK. Maybe not the last one. But you get the idea. I promise to never ignore the phone when you pick it up to call me though. I might not be able to answer, but it will never be a deliberate ignore. 

To my oldest friends – thank you for knowing me better than myself and knowing that it doesn’t have anything to do with you personally when I go MIA. Thank you for always being there for me and for somehow knowing when I need you even if I don’t know that I do. I hope you never forget the amazing times we’ve had together and that you know that the hiccups we’ve experienced were just part of our friendship growing even stronger. 

To my new friends – thank you for wanting to be my friend despite my crazy. You see that my life is a crazy whirlwind and you do everything you can to try to make it more bearable. For that I am eternally grateful. I hope that my kindness is anywhere as comparable to yours. 

To my ex friends – you’re still on my mind and helped shape me into the person I am and I promise that I turned out pretty decent and am a pretty good person in general. Because of you, I made it through that time in my life that you were a part of and have used it to shape me into an even better person now. 

This letter isn’t a promise to you that I’m going to magically be a better friend. I’m going to keep trying my best to be as good of a friend as I can be. I hope that you feel the love I have for you and that you continue to remember that I am here for you for anything you might need. 

Thanks for being a friend. 

Xoxo, 

Me.