My time is stretched thin. Too thin. Maybe I’m just not good at time management. Between my work schedule and trying to keep the kids on a routine, it appears that there just isn’t enough me to go around.

My solution? Day dates.

If I just plot out a couple hours, one day a week for everyone, that I should be able to keep a smile on all of their faces. In theory.

What it comes down to now, is finding things we can do that will pique their interests and not leave moths flying out of my pockets.

Here is a list of things I think we’ll give a try:

Como Zoo
Mill City Museum
Saints Game
a movie
Minneapolis Institute of Arts
Science Museum
Children’s Museum
Minnehaha Regional Park
Sea Life
Fort Snellling
Queen Boat Ride
Edinborough Park
Crayola Experience
SkyZone
Vertical Endeavors
Dodge Nature Center
Bunker Beach
Afton Apple Orchard
Discovery Hollow

Who knows what will actually happen. And do I then make sure to do all of the same things with all of the kids? Or do I do different adventures with everyone? If I make it a weekly thing, that does come down to 36 separate things to do. Suggestions are welcome of course. If I recycle some of the places, I will definitely make it through the summer at least. I think that getting to a new park/outdoor activity as much as possible throughout the summer should be the main goal.

Being outdoors is one of my favorite things to do but my work/sleep schedule can throw things off quite a bit. I’ll try to document my dates each week and see what all we can get accomplished.

Lately, I feel like I am a rubber band, pulled as tight as it will go before it either snaps or is released to fly through the air, and if it’s my house, hitting someone right in the eye.

Everyone needs me.

They always needed me though, right?

I feel like every single second, of every single day, is dedicated to doing things for everyone else. And then, at the end of the day, it still doesn’t feel like enough.

I work too much. Even when I work when everyone is in bed, I’m still the bad guy for not being home to hang out. Everyone wants a piece of me. From the second I wake up until the second I go to sleep. My only reprieve? Sleep.

I had gotten so good at giving myself the time I need. I had put myself first for once in my life and then I started my new career, something I am already in love with doing, yet my world feels like it’s crumbling around me. Where I once carried it square on my shoulders, still a lot to bare, it now feels like I am buried beneath all of the pieces, grasping for air.

I haven’t been able to figure out a way to make things work. How to make time for everyone and the needs that they have and also make sure that I am looking out for number one. I know how important self care is for me and my sanity and yet I have not been making the time like I should be…. and if I do? Guilt. And not just from myself.

50 hour work weeks.
24 hours of volunteer time.
School pick-up.
Dinner.
Bath.
Bedtime.
Hang with the preteen for an hour.
Sleep.
Shower?
School drop off.
Grocery shopping, cleaning, laundry, cats.

I make time for me at least once a month. But let’s be honest, that’s not enough. I feel guilty for any time that I spend that isn’t at home with my kids because of my work schedule. And it’s honestly ridiculous. Yes, I miss bedtime three to four days a week. And yes, half the time I miss getting them to school. But it’s half the time. I’m only gone, missing time with them for maybe 3 hours. But the guilt is still there.

At the end of the day, it boils down to one thing. I’m tired. I’m tired because I work 12 hour overnight shifts. I’m tired because it literally feels like I’m being pulled in a million directions, by a million people and things. And if I don’t figure out a better self care routine soon, I think that the pulling that rubber band is not only going to make it break but still go flying into someone’s eye.

Talking about addiction is really hard. Having a relationship with someone who has an active addiction is even harder. People will compare addiction to any other disease. “What if they had a brain tumor? Would you leave them then?” “What if they were paralyzed in an accident? Would you quit then?” I’ve had a lot of time to think and process those comparisons and the relationships that I’ve had with addicts and I’ve had a lot. My mother was an addict and lost her life because of complications brought on by her addictions. My father is still an addict. My soon to be ex-husband is an addict. Although addiction certainly strains relationships because of the addiction itself, it’s the actions of the addict that make those relationships either maintainable or unbearable.

My relationship with my mother was terrible. There were highs and lows and I loved my mom for the fact that she was my mom, but that’s about the extent of where that went. Our relationship was strained, she was a narcissist and a sociopath I believe. I can openly admit that I have my own set of codependence surrounding my relationship with my mother and more often than not end up in relationships with people that have similar personality traits because of my “mommy issues.” My mom passed away in 2010 from complications from cirrhosis and Hepatitis C – which could have been treated had she chosen to seek treatment to stop drinking and doing drugs but her addiction consumed and eventually ended her life.

My father and I have also had a very strained relationship. His addiction to alcohol and drugs, now just drugs, has led to violent behavior and poor life choices. The details aren’t all necessary but for some reason despite his abusive past and issues with controlling his anger, I always knew that he loved me at least. And even though my childhood was not ideal, it had its good moments and eventually I was able to leave that situation. I still have a “relationship” with my father and I still love my father but wonder what it would have been like to have a dad that wasn’t addicted to drugs.

Which leads to being in a romantic relationship with someone with an addiction. The red flags we ignore. The rose colored glasses we wear. The blind eye that we turn. It doesn’t matter how much love there is in a relationship where there is addiction. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, love is not enough. Love is not all you need. Even with the best of intentions, if the person with the addiction is unwilling to get better, it makes a functioning relationship nearly impossible. Being with an addict is possible, if the addict is willing to work on sobriety.

Alcoholism is a disease. That’s what we’re taught, right? That we should treat people with addiction as we would any sick person. Except we don’t, do we? Outsiders will tell us how to stay in our own lane, how to avoid conflict with our addicts, how we can support them without leaving them. But when someone is fighting a life threatening disease our families and our communities come around us to support us. Don’t get me wrong, I have had some amazing support and I also know that those meal trains eventually run out, but it felt like I was expected to fix him and stay with him despite the fact that he didn’t want to get better, refused to get better and continued to hurt and drag down our family.

Have you ever seen someone who is drowning get saved before? If you watch carefully, a lot of times they will claw their way onto the person trying to help them, dragging their savior down below the surface with them because they are in such a panic. Other times, they will just be dead weight, so heavy from their exhaustion and the fact that they have given up their fight that they are worse to save than the person who is still fighting. That’s what it’s like being in a relationship with an active alcoholic that doesn’t want to change – who REFUSES to get better. They’ve given up on their life and instead of fighting for the things that used to matter to them, they push those things away and drag the person trying to help them, trying to save them, down below the surface with them. And that is exactly what happened in my marriage.

I was hell bent on not writing these words. On not bad mouthing my husband, soon to be ex-husband. I truly hope that these words don’t come across as an attack on him. While I do believe he very much has a personality disorder, I believe his disease took over and all that was left of him was a shell of the man that I fell truly, madly, deeply in love with. No matter what I did, how many al-anon meetings I attended, church services I went to, therapy I dived into, no matter what ultimatums I gave, the fights, the indifference, not our kids, not me – nothing was enough to beat that addiction for him. There was no help coming from anyone in our circle… no interventions were given. Plenty of enabling has and still occurs though.

It seems like there is a lot of guilt put onto loved ones of those with addiction, putting a stigma on leaving the person with the addiction. I understand if you’re looking at this strictly as a disease – not leaving someone who is trying to treat that disease. A friend gave the comparison of this to another taboo disease – depression. If you’re treating the disease and you’re having a hard time or there is a bad period, it’s easier for your partner to work through that with you. If that person goes completely off their meds, refuses to take them again and quits treating the disease, things will become more chaotic and unhealthy for everyone involved. In these situations, leaving to preserve the safety and well-being of those involved ends up being the only choice that is left.

However, telling someone that they shouldn’t leave an unhealthy relationship when the person struggling with addiction is choosing not to treat that disease is even more unhealthy. I love my husband but our family was shattered. All I could do was leave. I’ve never been in a relationship with someone suffering from a medical disease so I’m not sure how they go through the stages of that. What I do know is that the stages of addiction were not healthy for him or me or our family. So while people may say that I didn’t do all that I could for that relationship, I really fought my hardest, in every way I could think of, for a very long time and getting out to save myself and my kids was a tough decision I had to make. To end a relationship, a marriage, that I thought was going to last forever, was not an easy decision.

The real reason I wrote this is because I saw a beautiful video today of a woman caring for her soldier that was now paralyzed from the neck down. It was a music video and the song and images were so striking and it made me so sad. Sad because of the guilt that I’ve felt over leaving that I’ve put on myself and that others have made me feel. I shouldn’t feel like what I did wasn’t enough, I shouldn’t feel guilty for my ultimate decision to leave, that my love wasn’t enough just because I left. It might not have been what he needed to find the inner strength that he needs to better himself, but it was enough to help myself, it was enough to leave so that my kids can have a better life. Because in order to break the cycle of complete childhood trauma you have to show your children that they can love someone from afar.

What a year it’s been. I can say with complete confidence that nothing went the way I thought it would when 2020 rang in.

I spent December 31st with my boys… we celebrated with non-alcoholic champagne and the fun little headband things. Honestly, I knew my world was crumbling but I put on a happy face for my boys. We spent the night together and I knew that there was change on the horizon, just didn’t realize what it would actually mean.

March 1 marked a new chapter in our lives. One I had tried to prepare myself for, but nothing truly prepares you for the end of your marriage even when you know it’s already over. And amidst the leaving and starting over in a one bedroom apartment with all my boys Covid-19 decided to grace our presence.

And since then, my life has been a roller coaster of emotions. I do really well and then something will remind me of the past and I’ll become emotional all over again. And I’ve learned that’s okay. It’s alright to still feel sad sometimes because that was a huge chapter of my life and that’s not something that is supposed to be easy to overcome. It’s not supposed to be simple to move on quickly from a marriage.

I spent a lot of time outdoors this spring and summer. Exploring local trails. Paddle boarding. Taking the kids out and about. Doing whatever we could to enjoy the weather and each other with the world being shut down.

I traveled. I know not everyone approved but I did. I spent time with my siblings and friends. I explored new cities. Tried my best to find myself and to find what I love. And I love traveling. I love outdoors. I love moving. I love exploring new places and trying new foods and new drinks and meeting new people. And I’ve met some AMAZING people. People that have touched my life indescribably. Folks from Arizona and Nashville. People that will remain in my heart forever because they have literally shown me a new part of myself, have shown me kindness, have been a part of new chapters of my life.

I’ve gotten two new tattoos. I pierced my nose. I’ve changed my hair. I’ve lost weight and gained weight and worked out and been stagnant. I burned the things from my past life. Made new friends and lost old ones and deepened some really important relationships. I’ve moved twice – currently in a very cute two bedroom apartment on Grand. I’ve gotten two different vehicles – now driving a minivan that fits us all much better. I was able to have Christmas for my kids – not only that but paid for us to take a trip to Denver coming up.

This year was far from perfect. It was one of the most difficult years of my life to date. But it was also one of the most fulfilling. I have grown so much and although I have a lot more to accomplish, I am proud of where I am. I left everything behind and started a new life and I have many goals in mind for this upcoming year. But I can say that I am proud of where I am right now and I’m excited to keep growing and moving forward.

Cheers to a happy and successful New Year!

Some days are just HARD. Like, beyond hard. Like, run-into-a-too-clean-glass-door-at-full-speed hard. Yesterday was one of those days.

When I say hard in reference to yesterday, I don’t mean the kind of day where everything is going wrong either. Because, honestly, I’m probably the Queen of Everything Going Wrong. It was just one of those days where my kids would not listen to a word I said and I was emotionally and mentally unprepared.

I don’t know why people are always lying to each other. “It gets easier.” “Isn’t (insert age here) such a FUN age?” Why, no Susan, it’s NOT really a fun age, but thanks for asking. And yes, I do know that I’m going to “miss these days when they’re gone” and I “should really enjoy them.” But I know you know that is not how you feel in the moment.

I was running around with the kids yesterday, making money and spending money. But these little devils decided that any time I asked them to do something, they would do the complete opposite. They were screaming in the car, hitting each other, running around stores, touching things that I can only DREAM to afford. O. H. M. Y. G. O. D. I was ready to pull my every loving hair out of my head.

And the reason I’m writing about it – because most days I believe that I am the perfect mother for my children, because God doesn’t make mistakes. Even when we feel like we can’t make it through one more day, we do. But days like yesterday, in the moment of it, I honestly feel like God must be some sort of sadist and put me with the wrong kids because there is no way that all mom’s deal with what I deal with. Do I actually believe this? No. Of course not. I know that my babies struggle just like I do and that sometimes that looks like them not listening, destroying everything and being completely unbearable. That doesn’t mean I don’t want to call the mommy store and have them issue these kids a new model some days though.

What it does mean is that I have to take a little more time to breathe. And I’m not great at that.
What it does mean is that I need to give them a little more grace. And I’m not great at that.
What it does mean, is that while today sucked, tomorrow is a new day. And we all get to start fresh. And I am okay with that.

He takes all of my extra time. He needs me. I have to prove my love to him. And in the process I’m neglecting my kids and my home and most of all myself. He puts me down. Tells me that he is failing because of me. That our relationship is failing because of me. That I am failing because of me. His bitterness is contagious.

He starts fights when he’s had just enough to drink. Making sure that I am torn down to his level. Not allowed to be happy anymore. Not allowed to feel like anything is going well. All I want to do is escape but I keep trying to fight for a relationship that is broken beyond repair.

I’ve given him my whole heart. Expecting him to protect it forever and to love me. But this is no longer love. It’s a battle between two people trying to fight for something that’s no longer there. The love is there but we have become broken, separately and together.

I know that I am stronger than this but I can’t seem to find that strength anywhere. It is hidden inside of me, pushed down by all of the turmoil in my soul. The want to fight for a marriage that I swore was forever. Maybe it’s admitting defeat that is the hardest part. The letting go of something that was so epic. A love that was blinding – that could have been written into the lyrics of a love song. But it’s gone now – and when do you really just throw in the towel so you can end things amicably?

We will be in each others lives forever and the thought right now of him with someone else is the hardest thing there is. The thought that the person that was supposed to love me forever could possibly love another is heart shattering and soul crushing.

But I think that the time has come to say that enough is enough. Our kids are suffering. We are suffering. No one is happy. It’s time. Time to rip off the bandaid. Time to say goodbye. Maybe it won’t be forever. Who knows. But it has to be for right now. Because things are terrible.

Hey y’all! I’ve missed blogging something fierce. My hiatus was fully unintentional. We had a lot going on and then even more going on and now we’re finally settled. I hope. Really, how settled can you be with kids?

We moved from our home in Woodbury to a house in Stillwater that I’m absolutely obsessed with. It’s nothing fancy but for some reason when I’m here, I actually feel like I’m home. It’s like I’ve lived here my whole life.

I’ve recently become employed as an at home team member with Target. It’s an amazing opportunity and I’m loving the flexibility that it gives me. I’m also still working part time for Walgreen’s as a pharmacy tech. I haven’t worked full time in about five years. It’s a change of pace – sometimes welcome, other times not.

Mr. B is focusing a lot more on his health lately and it’s definitely showing. He looks amazing and his mood is improving as well.

G started preschool again. He’s attending full time four days a week and is loving it. He gets to ride the bus and has his own locker. I definitely feel a little sad that he’s growing up so fast.

O is in daycare now. There are times where I get this nagging feeling of guilt that I’m not giving him the same experiences with me that G had of staying home with me. But I feel like he’s doing well and learning so much while he’s there.

D started the 5th grade this year and today is the first day that he’ll be playing trumpet. I’m hopeful that he finds something that he loves other than basketball but we’ll see how that goes.

B is in middle school now and started playing tackle football for his school. He seems to absolutely love it and I’m excited to go see a game of his this weekend.

I’ve been working a lot on personal development. Trying to learn how to do things that I should have learned years ago. Being better at budgeting. Knowing ways to cope with my anxiety. Being more organized and less of a procrastinator. It’s a long road ahead of me but I’ve set goals to have this all figured out completely in one calendar year. Prayers that it sticks.

I think that’s a pretty good, basic update of what’s going on in our lives. My plan is to get up and write something every morning. I may have to have prompts. I might just be able to write from my heart. Either way, it’s a goal of mine to start writing more because it’s so therapeutic for me.

Thanks for reading! Hope to see you again soon.

 

 

Today is the reason I started a blog to begin with. Today is one of those days where you feel like the walls are closing in, like only your nose is above water and you can’t tread for much longer. Today is a day where you question your actual parenting abilities and whether or not the universe played a cruel joke on you by making you a parent to begin with.

Ok. Ok. I’m being just a little bit dramatic now.

My life is full of appointments and running and not enough structure or activities.

How do I become a more hands on mom, when that’s just not my personality?

I want to be the mom that enjoys playing with her children and getting on their level. I want to be the mom that has a structured schedule and sticks to it. The mom that can totally homeschool. But I feel like I’ve reached into my soul and can’t find that mom.

I feel like I’m failing.

I let my kids run wild and free but expect them to follow the rules I have in place as well. But it feels like 80% of the time they don’t listen to anything I say. As we speak, O is hanging half way out of his crib while I sit in the room trying to get him to sleep.

Trust me. I know I’m not the only one dealing with these struggles. I know that we’re all in this together and that other moms out there are probably feeling like failures too.

Some days, I can handle it. But days like today, where they won’t do anything I ask of them and in general act like tiny little mom destroying @$$3$… It’s hard to feel like I’m nailing this thing called momming. I know that there are other things in my life that are contributing to my state of mental health but man it would be nice if the kids could tell that and help rather than hinder.

I really don’t know what I’m hoping to get out of this post other than just venting. Maybe it’s just being able to get part of my struggles actually out into the universe instead of holding all this weight because it can become a burden.

Are any of you like me? Wanting to be the mom who does it all but not seeming to be able to get there? Have you got it figured out? Or at least enough to help me get it kind of figured out?

I know I’m doing some things right, I really do. I just wish it were easier more often. Ya know?