I have had the worst case of mom guilt lately.
I feel guilty that I have mental health issues. That my anxiety and depression make it hard to mom some days. That I’m not perfectly happy without help.
I feel guilty that I can be short tempered. That there are days when I scream and then feel like an asshole and want to bury my head in the sand because I made my kids feel bad. That I can’t just let them be kids sometimes.
I feel guilty that D struggles with anxiety and ADHD. I feel really guilty that I don’t know how to deal with that. That he has to have therapy and medication and I somehow can’t manage to figure out how to make life easier for him.
I feel guilty when I’m a working mom because I’m not home with them.
I feel guilty when I’m not working because I take our time together for granted.
I feel really guilty that I’m not better at doing more learning activities with them even though I spend all day with them.
I feel guilty that I didn’t get to stay home with D and that I spent more time home with G than I have with O. That all of them have experienced life differently than the other ones.
I feel terribly guilty that B doesn’t get more time here. Or more alone time with his dad. That he lives so far away. That he doesn’t want to spend time here because he wants to hang with this friends (which we knew was inevitable at some point).
I feel guilty for every decision I have or haven’t made in the last 9 plus years. I worry that the decision that I made will somehow affect my kids as adults. Let’s not even think about the hard hitting, hot topic items that start controversy every time they’re spoken of. Man. I’m sure I made the wrong choices there too.
Bottle/breast, circumcise/or not, pro vaccine/anti vaccine, home school/private school/public school, only/single/married/divorced, working/SAHM. The list is never ending.
But you want to know what I feel the most guilt about? The thing that eats at me every single day? I feel guilty about FEELING GUILTY. Because why in the hell should I? I have made every decision with thoughtfulness and my babies best interest at heart. Will the outcome always prove to be the RIGHT one? Nope. I’m sure someday my kids will come back and ask me why I didn’t do things one way or another. I’m sure there are plenty of people who judge my parenting style on a daily basis. And I will sit here, in my onesie pajamas, with my hair a mess, my kids dirty from playing outside and wearing the most ridiculous outfits imaginable that they picked out themselves and I will let them whisper.
I’m tired of feeling guilty about my life. About my decisions. About myself. And I’m tired of other mom’s feeling that guilt too. We should all ban together to fight this mom guilt off. Because in the end, we’re all just doing our best to raise these tiny humans into decent adults who aren’t assholes. Good luck, right?
We’ve got this and there is no reason to feel guilty. Remember that.
“I hope, even on your hard days, you know how special you are.”