Stretched

Lately, I feel like I am a rubber band, pulled as tight as it will go before it either snaps or is released to fly through the air, and if it’s my house, hitting someone right in the eye.

Everyone needs me.

They always needed me though, right?

I feel like every single second, of every single day, is dedicated to doing things for everyone else. And then, at the end of the day, it still doesn’t feel like enough.

I work too much. Even when I work when everyone is in bed, I’m still the bad guy for not being home to hang out. Everyone wants a piece of me. From the second I wake up until the second I go to sleep. My only reprieve? Sleep.

I had gotten so good at giving myself the time I need. I had put myself first for once in my life and then I started my new career, something I am already in love with doing, yet my world feels like it’s crumbling around me. Where I once carried it square on my shoulders, still a lot to bare, it now feels like I am buried beneath all of the pieces, grasping for air.

I haven’t been able to figure out a way to make things work. How to make time for everyone and the needs that they have and also make sure that I am looking out for number one. I know how important self care is for me and my sanity and yet I have not been making the time like I should be…. and if I do? Guilt. And not just from myself.

50 hour work weeks.
24 hours of volunteer time.
School pick-up.
Dinner.
Bath.
Bedtime.
Hang with the preteen for an hour.
Sleep.
Shower?
School drop off.
Grocery shopping, cleaning, laundry, cats.

I make time for me at least once a month. But let’s be honest, that’s not enough. I feel guilty for any time that I spend that isn’t at home with my kids because of my work schedule. And it’s honestly ridiculous. Yes, I miss bedtime three to four days a week. And yes, half the time I miss getting them to school. But it’s half the time. I’m only gone, missing time with them for maybe 3 hours. But the guilt is still there.

At the end of the day, it boils down to one thing. I’m tired. I’m tired because I work 12 hour overnight shifts. I’m tired because it literally feels like I’m being pulled in a million directions, by a million people and things. And if I don’t figure out a better self care routine soon, I think that the pulling that rubber band is not only going to make it break but still go flying into someone’s eye.