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Don’t Pee on Your Brother

some of the mom truths in my life....

Last night, when giving my two littlest a bath together, I sat on the toilet while they played. I can only assume that is where most parents sit. I stand up and see G holding himself as though he is going to pee. So I ask him…

“Are you peeing?”
“No, mama.”
“Do you need to pee?”
“No, mama.”
“Are you sure?”
“Yes, mama.”

So I start to walk back to my perch on the toilet and I hear it. The tinkling sound of pee hitting water.

“G!”

He stops. Or so I think. I start to walk again and I again hear it. This time he isn’t able to pinch it off and I see that he is aiming directly at his brother.

“DON’T PEE ON YOUR BROTHER!!”

FFS. I did not realize what I was signing up for when I became a mother apparently. Parenting is essentially a romantic comedy that takes place during a college party. During my years of momming I’ve learned a handful of things.


Using the bathroom becomes one of two things – a luxurious vacation or a spectator sport. Timing is what it all comes down to. Even if you have the chance to lock the door behind you, chances are you will see little fingers under the door and hear question after question.

Being allowed to shop alone -AT ALL- will become a mini vacation as well.

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You will say some form of “please speak kindly,” “how do you ask,” or “be nice” more times than you are able to count in a day.

As a boy mom I have said things such as:

“Don’t pee on your brother.”
“Please don’t wipe your butt on the couch.”
“Your penis belongs in your pants.”
“The couch is not a trampoline.”
“Your brother is not a trampoline.”
“The dog is NOT a trampoline.”
“If your penis is pointing up, you need pants on”

If you leave your children home with someone else prepare to come home to new stains and sticky spots in places you would never have imagined

There will be pee in every corner of your bathroom and you will have no idea how.

There is a good chance that you will resort to online shopping to avoid taking your children in public.

There is also a good chance that you will let more than one F BOMB drop in the course of your day. That’s OK. As long as it’s not your child’s first word. Fourth or fifth is fine though. 😉

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i drop f bombs

Books will be read on repeat, shows will be watched on repeat and songs will be played on repeat. Invest in ear plugs.

There are days you will not like your kids. And no matter what the media or Facebook moms tell you, that’s OK. You don’t have to like someone to love them and just because you don’t like them today doesn’t mean you won’t like them tomorrow.

Bedtime is your salvation. Some nights you will literally be counting down the seconds. Other nights you will say “screw it” and make bedtime earlier than normal just to get your reprieve. This is also OK.

you will have cold food and cold coffee but you will have a warm lap and a full heart.

Meltdowns will happen. Their’s will typically happen in public and at the most inopportune moment. Yours will typically happen at home and will result in a terrible case of mom guilt – usually followed by crying in the closet with ice cream, chocolate, wine or all three. It’s OK for both of you to lose your shit. Just remember to apologize and move forward.

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Dishes will pile up, your laundry will never be completely done, sippy cups will leak everywhere you don’t want them to, things will get broken. None of these things really matter but they will irritate the crap out of you at the time.

Baby wipes will become your best friend. They are literally the Swiss-Army knife of parenting. They can get nearly any stain out of clothing and will clean any mess your children make on themselves or anywhere else.

You will be tired. And not just regular tired. The kind of tired you feel in your bones. Because parenting is basically an experiment in how long your body can function on inadequate nourishment and sleep while being fueled by insane amounts of caffeine, adrenaline and baby smiles.

You will have moments of absolute awe and moments full of a love that is absolutely blinding. You will feel a swelling of pride that you can’t experience anywhere else in life. Because even though hearing a version of “mom” a million and one times in a day can be annoying, that million and second time is going to be at just the moment you need it and will be followed by “I love you.”

Parenting is the most difficult and most rewarding job in the world. It’s also messy, disgusting and plain out hard.

 

 

 

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