As a mom of four, I’m often asked how I manage my brood and stay sane. A. I am far from sane and 2. There are far more people with the same if not more children that handle it much better than myself. I’ve been complimented on my ability to be so relaxed… don’t worry, my give a shit is just a little lower than it probably should be. But after so many kids you start to realize what you actually need to worry about and what you can let go.
Here are my go-to’s to getting through as a mom of many.
1. Let it go.
This is not an ode to the ever famous Disney movie. There are so many little things that will stack up and topple down… you can choose to pick up the mess or let it knock you down too. You have to decide not to let little shit get to you. Realize that your home is never going to be perfect, your life is never going to be perfect, you are never going to be perfect and your kids are never going to be perfect. Once you realize this, you can get through any of your hard days.
2. Let the kids be kids.
They’re going to fight. They’re going to fall. They’re going to get hurt. If there isn’t blood, take a deep breath and let them do their thing. If something is really wrong, they’ll come to you. Brush them off, check them out, give them a hug and send them off to keep playing.
3. Have the big kids help.
Luckily I have a big gap between my older and youngers. But older kids – no matter the age difference – are going to help the little ones. Let them. Why not take advantage of it and lift some of the weight off of your shoulders.
4. And on that note – everyone should be helping out.
Give age appropriate chores to your whole brood. You shouldn’t be doing everything on your own. It makes you become resentful. Even if all your kid does is throw his diaper in the trash, pick up their own clothes or clear their plate… it helps.
5. Feed them.
As long as your kids are fed and you’re trying your best to get them something healthy at every meal, you’re doing it right. Your life doesn’t have to be 100% organic. Hell, I let my kids eat day old apples and cookies off the ground. Know why? It isn’t worth the fight and the tears and the screaming. Sanity mama, sanity.
6. Weather appropriate is what matters.
Eventually you’re going to let go of the need for your kids to be matchy matchy and perfectly dressed. It is so much easier. Let them be creative and dress themselves. If its weather appropriate, its appropriate. If your kids are anything like mine, they should probably have a wardrobe change at least once a day. But if you’re really like me, it won’t happen until bedtime/bathtime.
7. Screen time saves lives.
We’ve all heard the studies on screen time. And we all know the mom who doesn’t allow any and the mom who lets it happen whenever. I’m a firm middle of the ground mom. Sometimes I need that movie/tablet to help wrangle these kids into submission so that my sanity doesn’t fly out of the window. Sometimes, you have to do, what you have to do.
I’m a firm proponent of surviving parenthood. To me that means you do whatever it takes to get through your day. Some days you’ll have it all together and other days you’ll want to hide in your closet with a pint of ice cream and a bottle of wine and just cry. As a mom though, you don’t really get to do the second option. So instead, follow my little rules for survival. Let it go. Breathe. Try your best to raise your kids in a nurturing environment and if shit hits the fan and is filled with temper tantrums, fussiness and just plain old meltdowns … throw on the television, sneak a candy bar and BREATHE.
Today is our 4 year wedding anniversary. It has been four years filled with lots of highs and lots of lows, yet here we stand, together still.
Our wedding story is super untraditional. We originally planned to elope in Vegas. We were going to go down for my birthday and get married on October 10, 2014. We began planning a reception that would take place back here in Minnesota in January. We booked a venue, I bought my dress, things were going smooth. Then I found out I was pregnant with G. Vegas plans were cancelled and we changed our would be reception in to a full blown ceremony.
We planned an entire wedding in a four month time span. Cake, photographer, food, flowers, DJ… the whole thing. It was a whirlwind.
The day of the wedding, I decided we would wait to see each other until the ceremony. No sneak peak. No hiding behind a door to say hello. Full on first time seeing each other was at the ceremony. What. A. Mistake. I balled like a baby when I saw my husband for the first time. He had cut his long hair off and was standing at the front of the room ready to promise a future together forever.
My mother-in-law officiated the wedding and I wrote the entire ceremony, including the vows. It was truly beautiful. Towards the end we did a sand ceremony in place of a traditional unity candle. Mr. B, myself and B and D each poured sand into a picture frame and then we announced the gender of G and what his name would be. A surprise for everyone in attendance.
Nothing about our relationship or our family has been traditional. Nothing ever goes as planned. Even on the day of the wedding there were hiccups. But somehow we always manage to work through them. Our relationship is far from perfect. If someone asked me for marriage advice, I’d likely direct them to the nearest couples counselor rather than defer to any sage advice I may have. I do know that we have a love that will never die and through the highs and lows we call on that love to get us through.
We don’t always make time for each other, we don’t always do the little things they recommend. But there is one thing that we do follow. We choose each other. Every. Single. Day. We continue to choose each other. Some days other things might come first… like the kids, work, writing, the need for time alone. But we still make the conscious decision to be with the other person forever.
I also rely heavily on my relationship with God to help shape my relationship with my hubby. Cliche to some but my relationship with God has gotten me through some dark times and continues to do so. I firmly believe that God keeps our relationship strong.
After nearly eight years together, four of which we’ve spent married, we’ve added two kids to the mix and spend every day choosing this life over and over again. I know that the future won’t promise a life of ease but I also know that if we continue to embrace our love and choose this life that we can get through anything the world throws our way.
I reached out to my friends recently to see what they would want me to write a blog post on… one of the things brought up was where I thought I would be in life right now, 10 years ago. With the #10YearChallenge underway, I thought the timing of this blog was only appropriate.
Now, I did the challenge a bit differently and took my first photo from Facebook and my most recent photo. The difference? 13 years. I was still in college. I was actually in Australia at the time. Acting a fool and learning about the cultural differences between Australia and the United States.
I still thought I would be a nurse at the time but with my indecisive nature I ended up switching my major not once, but twice, only to end up with a double major in two areas I’ve never used. Women’s Studies and Broadcast Journalism. At that time, I think I probably thought I’d end up married to my boyfriend at the time, hopefully have kids and be working as a nurse.
Here I am today.
I’m employed as a Pharmacy Technician, although at the moment I’m back to being a full time stay at home mom due to my health issues. I definitely did not marry my college boyfriend and the kids thing definitely went a lot differently than I thought it would.
I didn’t think that I would never use my degrees that still have me in debt to this day.
I didn’t think I would ever be a stay at home mom.
I didn’t think I would fall in love with and marry someone younger than me.
I didn’t think I would have what was once considered an untraditional family.
I didn’t think I would eventually finding a job that I love … even if it is outside of my degree.
I never thought I would be a stepmom.
Or a boy mom.
Or a hockey mom/basketball mom/swimming mom.
Here I am though. I struggle like everyone else and post happy, smiling photos on social media. Life is crazy beautiful and I know that I am blessed beyond measure. Overall, I am happy with the way my life has gone. There have been ups and there have been downs but I know that there is a plan laid out for my life and I’m just trying to enjoy the journey.
As the new year is underway, I was thinking of ways I could make this year truly amazing. What better way then doing something kind for someone else. I know that when I do something nice for someone else, it always makes me feel better no matter how bad of a day I’m having. So here are some ideas for some simple ways to give back and put some good karma into the world. I tried to pick some easier ones since I know how busy life can be, but remember that there are so many ways to give back to the community.
- Stop by a friend’s house with their favorite kind of coffee.
- Hide a love note for your significant other to find.
- Make a donation to a local Museum for a family in need to get their admission free.
- Send a bouquet to someone on a random day.
- Give a gift to someone – just because.
- Write a thank you note to someone who has touched your life recently.
- Donate old books to an at-risk youth program.
- Offer to do laundry for a friend that just had a baby.
- Become a classroom volunteer in your students classroom.
- Adopt a family during the holidays.
- Organize or participate in a park clean up for Earth Day.
- Babysit for a single parent.
- Call an elderly family member just to say hi.
- Help motivate a friend who is working on a new goal.
- Adopt a section of highway.
- Walk a friend or neighbors dog who might be having a hard time getting out for whatever reason.
- Plant a tree.
- Sign up to be a bone marrow donor.
- Donate blood.
- Shovel snow for a neighbor.
- Stop and help a car stuck in the snow.
- Donate unused toys to a shelter for children in need.
- Bring flowers to the hospital and leave them at the nurses station. They’ll know who needs them most.
- Leave an encouraging post it note on bathroom mirrors.
- Give fair trade gifts.
- Help unload a neighbors car.
- Give a hot drink to your mail carrier on a cold day.
- Bring in a box of donuts for the office.
- Read a story in the childrens section of the library.
- Adopt a soldier.
- Send a post card to an old friend.
- Hold the door for someone.
- Pay for the coffee for the car behind you.
- Leave change in the vending machine.
- Let someone go in front of you in line.
- Insert coins into someone’s parking meter.
- Leave a large tip for your server.
- Buy groceries for the person behind you
- Pick up the tab at dinner
- Smile at someone
- Offer to help a mom who is struggling
- Offer to help someone carrying a lot of items
- Donate to a cause you care about… need ideas? Check out the National Fish and Wildlife Foundation or the Blue Dot Project.
- Make no sew blankets to donate to hospitals or homeless shelters
- Put together packs to hand out to the homeless
- Pick up litter in your neighborhood
- Make greeting cards for residents at a retirement home
- Make a tag announcement that reads “Take What You Need” with pull offs of words like compassion, faith, happiness, etc.
- Volunteer at an animal shelter
- Leave money in your DVD case for snacks for the next renter at the Redbox
As a self-proclaimed veteran mom – simply because I have older children as well as younger – I try to be as candid as possible about parenting. In other words, dont expect me to sugarcoat anything. When people ask me to describe my children, many colorful descriptions come to mind but usually the word “terrorists” make it’s way in. And if you were to ask me to describe my 3 year old, well, the kindest way I can do so is calling him “spirited.”
Everyone has heard of the “terrible two” stage but it seems that we are unfairly kept in the dark about the threenager years. Like, as soon as they turn 3, things will get easier. NO. NO. NO. This is a lie to try to keep you sane during the “terrible two” stage. Then 3 comes along and they become absolutely impossible to control and their attitudes become comparable to that of a teenage girl who was just told no to going to prom as a freshman.
This age is best survived with a tribe of other moms whom also have tiny little terrorist threenagers ruling their lives. It is also helpful to read as many mom blogs centered around the threenager as possible – not for the advice per se, but for the solidarity.
At this age, they’re working on developing their emotions and being able to verbalize what it is their feeling. That might be why you’re seeing a Jekyll and Hyde situation where one minute they’re trying to push/punch/slap and the next they’re hugging/snuggly/loving. These little ones dont have the vocabulary to express how their feeling in the moment so they act out their emotions instead.
The best thing to do with a 3 year old is to model the behaviors that you want them to mimic. Easier said than done. Because it is so easy to snap in these trying times when they’ve done the same bad behavior 300 times that day or have broken down for the millionth time in an hour. And it will happen – you will snap. Give yourself grace. Apologize. Give them a big hug. Move on. They have and if you dwell on it, it makes parenting that much harder.
This age is hard. Hell. It can plain old suck at times. Remember that this is just a developmental phase and you’ll get through this one, just like you got through the last one, just in time to start the next one. You will not get out unscathed, but you will come out stronger and able to manage your tiny person a little bit better.
Trust me when I say, I know what you’re going through. G has used a brand new television as a slide. He tells me he doesn’t love me when he doesn’t get his way and then that he does love me when he’s in trouble. He will try to beat O one second and then snuggle him up the next. He runs through this house like an overzealous tornado. Most days I want to cry, pull my hair out and laugh all at the same time.
Just breathe. This too shall pass. Laugh when you can – even if you have to do it so they can’t see. Take a break from them – put them in their room for quiet time so you can breathe for a minute. And remember that one day you’ll be the old lady at the park telling a mom how much you love this age.
I didn’t get nearly as many questions as I thought I would. I answered the few that I got and maybe I’ll try again in the future.
Why did you start blogging?
This is an interesting one for me because I don’t have a solid answer. I thought I would be entertaining and full of dry humor and wit. I also thought that it would be a creative outlet and my art of choice is writing. I’m not sure I’m reaching many people or that I’m entertaining them or if my blogs truly resonate with readers but I have found that when I’m writing consistently, I am far less bitchy and quick to snap.
Who’s your biggest famous person crush?
I am so boring. I don’t really get celebrity crushes. But if I were going to pick someone it would probably be Ryan Reynolds. I think he is humorous and a great dad and he is pretty damn smokin’
What are your greatest accomplishments in parenting?
This could be a blog post in itself. But honestly, I’m going to get all mushy on ya and say my children. My kids are my greatest accomplishments. I’m raising four very different boys, all with separate learning curves and obstacles. But each one of them finds a way to prove that what I’m doing is working even if we have some really shitty days together. Like, I can see that these little dudes are going to be adult gentleman eventually and I had something to do with that.
How do you keep the spark alive in your marriage?! 😉
This may not be as fun of an answer as you’d hoped. My hubby and I have our fair share of up’s and down’s but we genuinely love each other and will do anything to make things work between us. Some things I think help keep our relationship going are:
- Put the electronics away and be present during your alone time. We all know its few and far between after kids.
- Find a way to date each other
- Try some new things together
- Try new things sexually
- Surprise each other with small acts that coincide with their love language
- Let the other person know you appreciate them
- Spend time apart so you can see how much you miss each other
- Have fun together
Some of these things definitely come easier than others in certain times of our lives but I really believe this list has things that have helped us throughout our marriage to keep the spark alive.
What was the most difficult thing about being a single mom?
I think the hardest part of being a single mom was sharing my son and missing out on things with him. There are so many more difficult struggles that come along with single parenting but for me that was definitely the most difficult. Not being there for some of his firsts broke my heart to pieces. I am one of those moms that loved to document all the little things – not as much with the youngest now – and knowing I was missing things was so hard. There was always the struggle to make sure he felt loved as much as possible when I did have him. I definitely would not wish single parenting upon anyone.
Who has been the most influential person in your life, for better or worse?
Another difficult question to answer. I think that a lot of my friendships have been influential on my life as well as my husband. But the most influential person in my life would probably have to be my aunt. She took us into her home when things were pretty complicated in our lives. She helped to raise us and tried to be an amazing role model and adult for us to look up to. She is compassionate, caring and responsible. Although we don’t always see eye to eye on everything, I know that I could entrust her with anything.
This is a sensitive one, so don’t answer if you don’t feel comfortable: what was the lowest point in your life? Thus far, what is the highest point in your life?
If I’m being completely honest – the lowest times in my life were when I was addicted to methamphetamine and after every break up I’ve had post high school.
In high school, I had a huge problem with methamphetamines and didn’t let anyone know how bad it was. I was running myself into the ground and I’m just really happy I was able to pick myself up and adjust my life.
After every break up post high school I let myself fall into some pretty self-damaging behaviors. My best friend pointed this out to me after I did something that really hurt her and I’ve worked really hard not to be that person anymore.
What is the best piece of parenting advice you have gotten?
Everyone is a perfect parent until they become one AND each age is difficult in it’s own right and it will never really be easy.
What are some things you want to accomplish this year?
I really want to work on my writing this year. I’m working on blogging more and I’ve started writing a book. That’s my primary goal for the year. Although buying a house would be pretty amazing too.
Hopefully more questions will keep rolling in so I can do another post on this. Until then! ✌🏻