I wrote this a few months ago, as people had noticed things weren’t the same anymore. My close friends knew what was going on but there were plenty of people in my life that didn’t know what was actually going on. My husband and I are separated and will be getting divorced. These are the words that I wrote regarding this.
“I fought for years for something that I wanted more than anything. Each day that passed was harder than the one before. Don’t get me wrong, there were still good times and there was still love. But love isn’t always enough – love is not all that you need. And that is a really hard, jagged pill to swallow. We both have our own version of the truth and neither of those truths will obviously line up. And no matter how many details of our lives that people think that they know, they were still on the outside and likely only getting one of our truths. The months leading up to me leaving were filled with turmoil for all of us. Leaving was one of the hardest things I’ve ever done. When I said I do, I really thought that it was going to be forever. But things weren’t good anymore and I couldn’t be healthy in that situation anymore. Leaving hurt. I cried a lot in the beginning. But since March, day by day I have become stronger and happier. I know that I am in such a better place. I know that I am not completely healed, but I am also so much further along in that process than I was before. I love myself again. I am so beyond grateful for people pushing me to focus on that. Loving myself. And I do. Every flawed part of me. I am enough and I know that now. And I’m not looking for anyone else to validate that because I can validate myself. So for those that have stood by my side through these tough times – thank you from the bottom of my heart. I hope that you can see the change in me, see the happiness, see the love because I have those things because of you just as much as I have it because of myself. Watch out folks! I am back and better than ever! I am ready to show the world the smile I haven’t been able to get off of my face recently!”
Our truths are still very different. I try my best to let him have his version of his truth, to not speak negatively about him. Because my version of what happened and his version of what happened are very different. I wish nothing but happiness to him. I hope that he finds what he is looking for, that he is able to be whole and happy and live a life that is full. Because even if we didn’t work out, that’s alright, God has plans for both of us that only he is privy to. And I’m just going to keep taking this path and hope that I find some clarity to that direction soon.
As part of a rebirth of myself, I did something that I thought would help me let go of that chapter of my life. I had a burning ceremony. I brought all the things that reminded me of him and of our life together (don’t worry, all the photos are backed up for the kids) and I burned them. It reminded me of the phoenix, born again from the ashes. I know not everyone will agree with my actions, but it brought me a new level of peace that I really needed. I was surrounded by some of my best friends and they cried with me and they laughed with me and it was amazing. And afterward, my kids and I did a sand ceremony to remind ourselves that we can still be family no matter what that looks like.
I am still here. I am ready to be Brix – to focus on myself some more and to grow as an individual. Here is to 36 and the rest of my life.