He takes all of my extra time. He needs me. I have to prove my love to him. And in the process I’m neglecting my kids and my home and most of all myself. He puts me down. Tells me that he is failing because of me. That our relationship is failing because of me. That I am failing because of me. His bitterness is contagious.
He starts fights when he’s had just enough to drink. Making sure that I am torn down to his level. Not allowed to be happy anymore. Not allowed to feel like anything is going well. All I want to do is escape but I keep trying to fight for a relationship that is broken beyond repair.
I’ve given him my whole heart. Expecting him to protect it forever and to love me. But this is no longer love. It’s a battle between two people trying to fight for something that’s no longer there. The love is there but we have become broken, separately and together.
I know that I am stronger than this but I can’t seem to find that strength anywhere. It is hidden inside of me, pushed down by all of the turmoil in my soul. The want to fight for a marriage that I swore was forever. Maybe it’s admitting defeat that is the hardest part. The letting go of something that was so epic. A love that was blinding – that could have been written into the lyrics of a love song. But it’s gone now – and when do you really just throw in the towel so you can end things amicably?
We will be in each others lives forever and the thought right now of him with someone else is the hardest thing there is. The thought that the person that was supposed to love me forever could possibly love another is heart shattering and soul crushing.
But I think that the time has come to say that enough is enough. Our kids are suffering. We are suffering. No one is happy. It’s time. Time to rip off the bandaid. Time to say goodbye. Maybe it won’t be forever. Who knows. But it has to be for right now. Because things are terrible.